Welcome back to the sixties, son.

What motivates someone to forgo a quick trip to Home Depot in favor of seeking out cabinet knobs manufactured by a company that went out of business 40 years ago? Authenticity. And also a little insanity. But mostly authenticity.

Most people like new homes with modern features. We are not most people. The home we purchased is a 1965 ranch that had never been on the market. It was custom built by the original owners who lived in it for more than 50 years. And in all that time they never repainted a single wall, hung a picture, changed the drapes, or even removed the original house blueprints from the hall closet shelf. Touring this house was truly like stepping right back into the swanky pour-me-another-highball sixties.

And I immediately felt way underdressed.

From day one, we dubbed it the ‘Roberts Retro Ranch’ and considered ourselves the preservationists of this amazingly authentic time-capsule estate, which included not only the meticulously maintained original features that we adored, but also miles of sun-bleached linoleum, broken toilets, clogged plumbing, worn cabinets, threadbare carpets, and a half-acre plot of dirt and busted fencing that happens to be our yard. Aw geez, Wally.

So now all we have to do is figure out how to bring this house back to it’s original midcentury glory days without getting hospitalized, losing our minds, terrifying the neighbors or going flat broke. American dream? I guess we’ll see.

robertsretroranch